When someone asks me how I feel, after more than half a century of pastoral work, I cannot reply with one or two words. I can only say, ‘my heart is in pain’. God called me to be a pastor by his grace. I became an evangelist and planted a church. The church grew, and I started my pastoral ministry. After that, I set up a theological seminary, and I also trained disciples. I even did foreign missions. But what I can only say with a few words is that my heart has only pain and hurt.

I have received so much grace from the Lord, and I will never forget it. Until the day that I die, I will still endeavor to obey. I also have much to thank humans for. After conducting pastoral work in the church, there have been many whose hearts have been cleansed by the Lord’s holy blood and who have received peace by the Holy Spirit. But even amongst these, there have been so many cases of ungratefulness. There have been so many cases when they could not keep the meagre standards of unbelievers. I saw this, and only tears can come out of my heart.

What is pastoral ministry, you ask? Pastoral ministry is to have pain in your heart. It may simply be the case that I am rejected because I lack in some capability. But in most cases, it is because people’s hearts are so cold. I have now entered the senior years of my life as a pastor, but there are just so many things that hurt my heart. The truth is that I am truly worthless. But my soul is joyful that I could do the work that was willed by the God who is heaven. Therefore, in terms of my spirit, I am blessed and happy, but in terms of my human person, I am so sorrowful. To have hurt in your heart – to really have heart in your heart – is truly what pastoral ministry means.

Without showing any signs of idle emotion, I have used all my strength for my pastoral work. Until my flesh goes back down to the dirt, I will continue to walk on this road. But my heart has much hurt and it is hard to endure. What is it that hurts my heart? I cannot even say. I am afraid to confide these things with humans, and I am especially afraid to open my heart to love them. It would have been better if I had no love at all. Then, my heart would endure less pain. It is because I have loved too much that my heart is in much pain. It seems that my heart will continue to have this hurt, and then I will leave this earth. And when I am finished my work on this earth, I will leave it behind, and await the Resurrection. I will go to Paradise, where I can rest peacefully.

As I pray, tears come to my eyes – I cry – and I cry because my heart is in pain. Like the root of the tree, it is located deep within the ground. It endures all the four seasons of the weather, but no matter how much the four seasons constantly change in the outside world, the things that give pain to my heart come nevertheless. To meet and visit people is the work of a pastor. It gives me fear to meet with people, it gives me fear to pick up the phone, and it is burdensome in my soul to receive urgent and heavy requests from saints. I have lived my whole life in this way, and it seems that I will go this way to the end.

When our Lord had stayed momentarily on this earth, just how much pain must he have had in his heart? He had loved his disciples. And they had praised him with their lips. But how much hurt must he have had in this heart when he clearly knew their hypocrisy? The Lord had said ‘I am grieved to the point of death” …Is it truly not a foolish thing to find happiness in this world? The Lord Jesus had already experienced the Kingdom before he came, and for the sake of that Kingdom he gave his love and grace to the people of the past. In the same way, he also gives us this grace and love in equal measure.

Semuon